Samantha Irby writes a blog called bitches gotta eat.

book outline.


group 1

1 "growing up oreo."
-black + suburban.
-the negrometer.
-making white people comfortable without pissing off black people
-what is black music? what are black books? how do kids define blackness?
-talking white: what that means; how it helps, how it hurts
-disdain from black kids, not really fitting in with white ones

2 "black beauty."
-self-acceptance
-what growing up around white people made me hate about myself
-discovering the different standards of beauty
-what magazines do to little black girlbrains
-relaxed vs natural: the big decision

3 "the one black person on a white television show."
-the role of television in shaping my racial identity
-the irritating addition of a black character into a white cast
-the only black person: in a classroom, at the bar, at work
-trying to coax white people to laugh at my jokes while i'm performing

4 "where is my white knight?"

-i have 7000 white male friends, none of whom wants to have sex with me
-that whole "wigger" thing drives me fucking apeshit
-all of my childhood celebrity crushes were white

group 2

1 "glamorexia."

-i always wanted to experience the kind of tragedy that would make me lose the will to eat

2 "list of all of my physical flaws."

-fred's observation of my tiny nipples
-what it feels like to be appraised
-from head to toe, every single one

3 "biggest kid in the sandbox."

-what it is like to have never been small
-emotional eating growing up
-being poor, lack of money for decent food
-why i first attempted to kill myself

4 "diets are impossible."

-insane ways i have NOT tried to lose weight
-that one time i lost 70 pounds
-dieting only works if you are happy or you want to hate fuck your ex-boyfriend someday
-where do people get all this willpower from?

5 "the plus side of being plus sized."

-the bittersweet freedom that "just eating whatever the fuck you want" affords
-body-positive fat shit
-crime deterrent
-an excuse to wear black clothing all the time

group 3

1 "the hospital is my favorite place."

-i feel strangely at home in hospitals
-the spoils of being a good patient
-the many varieties of juice and broth available
-what good drugs feel like

2 "how you reach a diagnosis."

-my first crohn's incident
-what crohn's disease is, and what it isn't
-a list of all of the harrowing tests i went through, and what they entailed, in graphic detail
-my "indirect diagnosis"

3 "times that i have shit myself in public."

-a list

4 "diarrhea is a sex ruiner."

-girls aren't supposed to poop
-how i break the crohns news to dudes
-that one dude who dumped me while i was in the hospital
-why shit comes up so often in conversation
-making other people comfortable with my goddamned disease

group 4

1 "i should have never been born."

-my parents were old and sick
-my father's alcoholism, my mother's enabling
-their shitty childhoods and tumultuous marriage
-THE DIVORCE

2 "smartypants."

-i was a little kid genius
-started school early and was completely unready and emotionally underdeveloped
-everyone hates precocious children
-what happens when you are smarter than your parents

3 "no one feels bad for adult orphans."

-the stupid, selfish reasons i wish i had parents
-why i feel cheated
-very few people can relate to this predicament
-i'm too old to ask for some of the things i need emotionally
-no one wants to hear a grown woman crying because she "misses her mommy," so where does that pain go?
-never getting to know my parents as adults, as real people

4 "my mother, my daughter."

-expanded

group 5

1 "i want to put a fat bitch on network television."
-how i started the blog
-working with ian
-how i was approached about working on a tv show
-what we, as writers, want to see on tv
-is it really possible to put real people on tv?
-how the blog started, the decision to write a book
-performing

2 "my most terrible, awful secret habit."
-i'm a grown up, and i suck my thumb.

3 "one day, i hope someone will want to fuck my jokes."

-that UIC "i'm ugly" piece
-how am i expected to try and date with: a limp, crohns, missing teeth
-does personality really outweigh physical appearance?
-the curse of being a funny woman, jealous-ass unfunny dudes
-"comedy robot"

4 "what i waste money on."
-growing up poor made me a spendthrift
-i buy the dumbest shit
-never buy groceries, only convenience shop
-an honest, itemized list of my purchases for one week
-the crippling fear that i will never have enough
-saving money is for responsible people

5 "i want to put one of those sonogram pictures on facebook someday."

-i like the idea of babies, but am terrified at the thought of being someone's parent
-should i adopt one?
-why facebook makes me want to fucking kill myself
-when is the right age? what "things" are you supposed to have?
-how shitty and unwomanly people try to make you feel when really you've been a careful, responsible person
-men are never as cool as you want them to be when it comes to adoption
-what if my kid is an asshole?
-how does a person raised by wolves learn how to be a good mother?

6 "my neighborhood is not cute enough."

-my tiny, still unfurnished apartment
-choosing to live in this shitty, poor neighborhood
-i should have a car with power windows by now
-at this rate, will i ever own anything more expensive than a nice handbag?
-the bad decisions you make when you are in charge of your own life at too young an age
-being jealous of my peers who have their shit together

group 6

1 "controversial pubic hair."

-OMG I DON'T SHAVE MINE
-all the dumbass shit you are expected to do prior to getting banged
-the freedom that comes with not doing any of the female maintenance magazines convince you that you're supposed to do.
-men will spread your hairy legs, trust.

2 "i love porn."

-some people are so weird about it
-the positive ways watching porn made me feel about myself
-how learning to satisfy myself sexually kept me from burning down my high school and killing all the popular girls
-some of the insane porn i've watched
-dudes who try to fuck like they are porn stars and why that is a total bonerkiller that makes you feel like he's rabbit-fucking a dead carcass

3 "eventually i'm going to have to eat a bitch out."

-i'm tired of looking for mister right
-men die earlier, leaving us with little choice
-the appeal of late-in-life, waist-up lesbian companionship

4 "being good in bed is an overrated, impossible thing."

-i don't even try anymore, and it usually doesn't matter
-being a dirty pervert comes in handy
-what does that even mean?
-what makes someone good at sex?

5 "how to host a booty call."

-a step-by-step tutorial

group 7

1 "women should be better to one another."

-what being a good friend means
-lying about romantic experiences and feelings

2 "would dying alone really be so terrible?"

-the joys of singledom
-am i just pretending that this is fun?
-going out every night is totally the best
-dating is so ridiculously hard: the games, not being able to say how you really feel about someone, being threatened by all of the other someones out there, internet dating is a fucking sham (but so are bars?)

3 "i am terrified of a real relationship"

-i don't want anyone to know all my secrets
-i am afraid that a person who really got to know me could never really love the person they'd gotten to know
-all my crazy obsessions and annoying habits
-i have trust and abandonment issues, and those things are not fun and sexy at all
-i've met very few people whose diapers i would change

4 "where is my big tulmuteous relationship?"

Smart, edgy, hilarious, and unabashedly raunchy New York Times bestselling author Samantha Irby explodes onto the printed page in her uproarious first collection of essays.
Irby laughs her way through tragicomic mishaps, neuroses, and taboos as she struggles through adulthood: chin hairs, depression, bad sex, failed relationships, masturbation, taco feasts, inflammatory bowel disease and more. Updated with her favorite Instagramable, couch-friendly recipes, this much-beloved romp is treat for anyone in dire need of Irby's infamous, scathing wit and poignant candor.